What is it with pick up lines?
I mean seriously, have they ever worked for anyone who didn't have a six pack? And when I say "six pack" I'm not talking about "the only thing that was in my refrigerator in college other than day old Grog's pizza." When I say "six pack" I'm talking about "really awesome abs that I will never have because I'm way too lazy for that. And I had too many dime beers in college."
But seriously, I think that only Barney Stinson of "How I Met Your Mother" fame (and let's be honest, that's a show that jumped the shark about two seasons ago) could pull most of these off. Let's take a look at a few of the more popular ones:
1) "You smell like trash, may I take you out?"
So first you say she stinks and then you ask to take her out? Trust me, it took over a decade of marriage before I could call my wife stinky without severe repercussions. So this one clearly only works for Hugh Jackman.
|I can't believe how lucky I am that I'm not you.|
2) Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
On the one hand you're calling her an angel. On the other hand you're saying she's a clumsy angel. Nope, I think you'd have to be Chris Hemsworth to pull this one off. Then at least you can say it with a Thor accent. Which would be pretty cool.
|I have long hair, a cool accent and have a much better name than Fabio.|
3) What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
OK, so first you're calling her nice, which could be good or bad. But then you call her out for going to a terrible place? Are you saying that she has bad judgment? Or that she has bad taste? Or both? And aren't you also saying you have bad judgment for coming to this place? So you also have bad judgment in speaking to her in the first place? Did you figure out that I've made this mistake before?
|Even Barney isn't perfect.|
Lamarr Houston – DE
I did say that with Melton gone, the Bears needed to make up some ground on the defensive line in free agency. Ask and you shall receive. Oakland Raiders standout defensive end Lamarr Houston became the Bears most significant pick up, filling the void left by Melton and Peppers. He has significant speed, and although only totaled 6 sacks in 2013, he had an impressive 41 QB hurries, a stat that can definitely improve the Bears lack of pass rush. He also became the Bears’ most expensive acquisition thus far with $15 Million guaranteed. We definitely need a pass rush in Chicago, and although expensive, this may be money well spent.
Jared Allen - DE
So this is a surprise. The aging soon to be 32 year old DE Jared Allen ends up signing a four-year, $32 Million contract with the Bears after leaving the NFC North rival Minnesota Vikings. Hey wait...didn't we just cut the aging 34 year old DE Julius Peppers, who just signed with the NFC North rival Green Bay Packers? Yes we did. Guess aging DEs love the cold. Thankfully, there's only two years and $15.5 million of fully guaranteed money. Allen isn't getting any younger, but he did have 11.5 sacks and 2 forced fumbles in 2013. He's a true outside DE in a 4-3 defensive scheme and can offer significant pressure off the end.
Willie Young – DE
Willie Young is not great against the run, but can be significant as another decent pass-rusher off the end. Acquiring Young from the Lions will help improve the Bears sagging defensive line (and hurt the competition in the NFC North). Paired with Houston and Allen, the Bears will hopefully have some ability to contain offenses and pressure quarterbacks in 2014.
Domenik Hixon – WR
The other issue I mentioned previously was the thin depth at WR. Domenik Hixon had some flashes with the Giants over the years, but then slipped into complete obscurity in Carolina with just 7 receptions for 55 yards. Can he be a viable number 3? Probably not. But he does offer decent depth for 4 receiver sets and solid WR insurance.
Well, that about does it. The first wave of free agency is nearing the end as we creep up on the Draft. Still plenty of work to do for the Bears, and I'm sure there are many more changes to come before the clock ticks twelve on the off season and we kickoff the new season. Between now and then, be sure to check back frequently for news updates as we'll be tracking down to the final second. Unless of course you're "Hourman", who, contrary to popular belief, is not a porn star, but is instead a little known DC superhero who can see one hour into the future. Then you can use your nearly useless power (except maybe for the ability to spoil TV shows for people you hate) to report on free agent pick ups a full 60 minutes before I can. In that case, feel free to go...oh, you knew what I was going to say 60 minutes ago, didn't you?
By Ha Kung Wong (Twitter: @Rhihan)